Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Last time you were here. Four days ago?

When you showed up at 2am
I was still dressed, still working
And you settled into the windowsill spot as if you'd never moved out
And we smoked across from each other
Me sober, you distinctly un.
The tent hung over our heads, suspended
In the rafters like a question mark--
A bubble that needed to be burst
And I've never been good at holding back, so I point at it
It might as well have a pink elephant painted
Sloppily on it's side, anyway

I wanted to say:
Yes, I do still sleep in it.
Yes, I do still miss you.
But I didn't. Instead I giggled about bank robberies
Let you have your good mood
They're so fleeting in you these days
And then I watched it change
Your eyes became retreating horizons and I imagined you thinking
About the way she would have laughed at your jokes
Thinking about the way I laugh at them now.

And when you left at almost 5am
I didn't sleep
Paced my dark apartment in my underwear,
Pulling on the filters of cigarettes
Being a fucking film noir stereotype
Watching my own reflections in the smudged glass
Of the frames on my wall
And longing
Just like you.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The hawk has taken back the air above new grass.

Let us lift our own spirits with shaky, wary fingers, as marionettes of our own heart's prosperity.Let's smile through the desire to grimace and shiver, Elongate our bodies on dark, soft sheets, stretch and yawn and hem and hawAnd turn the heat up too high, so that we may feel the end of winter as it blinks and nods in the distance.Let's allow ourselves happiness.

Friday Etymology: Aftermath -1520s, originally a second crop of grass grown after the first had been harvested.

You see, aftermath is easier,

opening again the wound along its numb scar;

it is the sentence spoken the second time — truer, perhaps,

with the blunt edge of a practiced tongue.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tigers, but then Coyotes.

I couldn’t bear to help you pack, help you leave
I asked you to, I know, but I’m doing everything I don’t want to
and nothing I do.
Someone said it was good for me.
And when I stopped you in the hallway as you were leaving
The only word that would come out, it wasn’t the right one
But I saw your heart from the top of the stairs, bruised,
Even with no glasses on and tears fogging my dark eyes
and when you told me you didn’t know what to do
I believed you.

And when I slammed the door
I stood on the other side
And imagined the morning two weeks ago
Where I sat on the edge of the bed putting on my boots
And you put your hand on the small of my back
I felt cherished in that moment, discarded now.
So I slammed my hand into the kitchen counter, which is a ridiculous thing to do.
I don't ever use my kitchen.

For now, I pitch a tent in the living room
Pile different blankets, different pillows, not the ones we slept under, with
Because the first morning my alarm rang,
I turned over to scratch your back and cried.

And I turn on Christmas lights as the sun begins to drop
Because dark is too dark with no metronome of breath counting out the night beside me.
For now, I still wish you were here,
And knowing what I’ve come to know
I’d be a fool to think that won’t change.
But for now my dear love, just for now,
You are the greatest loss I’ve ever spent six months losing.
And I’m not sure I ever had you completely,
But you have me.

So I pretend I'm not hoping for a tigersuit
To come crashing through my window
And I pretend I wouldn't give you your key back in a second
That I wouldn't run anywhere in the world
To chase after you, to feel your hands in my hair as you slept.
I pretend I don't want you to need me, and maybe you're pretending too.
But for now, dear love, I have to believe you.