Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tigers, but then Coyotes.


I couldn’t bear to help you pack, help you leave
I asked you to, I know, but I’m doing everything I don’t want to
and nothing I do.
Someone said it was good for me.
And when I stopped you in the hallway as you were leaving
The only word that would come out, it wasn’t the right one
But I saw your heart from the top of the stairs, bruised,
Even with no glasses on and tears fogging my dark eyes
and when you told me you didn’t know what to do
I believed you.

And when I slammed the door
I stood on the other side
And imagined the morning two weeks ago
Where I sat on the edge of the bed putting on my boots
And you put your hand on the small of my back
I felt cherished in that moment, discarded now.
So I slammed my hand into the kitchen counter, which is a ridiculous thing to do.
I don't ever use my kitchen.

For now, I pitch a tent in the living room
Pile different blankets, different pillows, not the ones we slept under, with
Because the first morning my alarm rang,
I turned over to scratch your back and cried.

And I turn on Christmas lights as the sun begins to drop
Because dark is too dark with no metronome of breath counting out the night beside me.
For now, I still wish you were here,
And knowing what I’ve come to know
I’d be a fool to think that won’t change.
But for now my dear love, just for now,
You are the greatest loss I’ve ever spent six months losing.
And I’m not sure I ever had you completely,
But you have me.

So I pretend I'm not hoping for a tigersuit
To come crashing through my window
And I pretend I wouldn't give you your key back in a second
That I wouldn't run anywhere in the world
To chase after you, to feel your hands in my hair as you slept.
I pretend I don't want you to need me, and maybe you're pretending too.
But for now, dear love, I have to believe you.

3 comments:

ally said...

This is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read - it's so sad - I hope you're doing ok. <3

parasolparty said...

So sad, and yet so pretty. I can remember feeling this way before...I love that you've captured it perfectly.

Kate said...

Beautiful and deeply sad.